We’ve all experienced attraction and feelings for someone who turns out to be wrong for us. Whether it’s someone who doesn’t reciprocate our interest, treats us poorly, or simply isn’t ready for the same level of commitment, these misguided attractions can leave us feeling confused, hurt, and with lowered self-esteem.
In this blog post, we’ll explore why we get attracted to the wrong romantic prospects, provide perspective on scarcity versus abundance mindsets when it comes to dating, and offer practical self-love techniques to help avoid pursuing unhealthy relationships in the future.
What Defines the “Wrong Person”?
When it comes to romance, the “wrong person” could take many forms, including:
- Someone who doesn’t notice us or care that we’re interested in them
- Someone who mistreats us or exhibits toxic behaviors
- Someone who isn’t willing or ready to invest emotionally on the same level we are
Regardless of the specifics, the wrong romantic interest is ultimately someone who makes us feel bad about ourselves, or prevents the relationship from evolving in a healthy, fulfilling way for both parties.
The Magic of Unavailability
So why do we fall for people who are clearly not right for us? One major factor is perspective and the tendency to assign greater value and intrigue to romantic prospects who are mysterious, unavailable, or apparently “hard to get.”
Human beings have an innate attraction to forbidden fruit. When something is scarce, we assume it must be valuable. After all, if it’s unattainable, there must be a worthwhile reason why we can’t have it. When this scarcity mindset is applied to dating and relationships, it often clouds our judgement in unhealthy ways.
Let me put in this way:
“When someone wants us we think they’re abundant – oh they’ll always be there. When someone doesn’t want us, we think ‘I must have them – they’re rare and valuable.’ This is a fallacy.”
The reality is that no one is so special that their interest or lack of interest determines our value or worth. But when we become infatuated with someone’s unavailability, we tend to assign almost supernatural qualities to them in order to justify the attraction.
In doing so, we give our romantic interest power over us and our self-esteem that they haven’t earned, which leads to compromised boundaries and accepting poor treatment.
Signs of Low Self-Worth
Another root cause for pursuing unhealthy attractions is low self-worth. On some level, we fear that if someone readily demonstrates interest in or affection for us, there must be something wrong with them or the situation.
Many of us unconsciously harbor limiting beliefs about ourselves when it comes to relationships, usually stemming from past rejections, emotional wounds, or messages we internalized in childhood. We may feel:
- I’m not good enough for a healthy, loving relationship
- No one I’m genuinely attracted to would be interested in me
- If someone thinks I’m great, they must have low standards
In an attempt to protect ourselves from rejection, we try to preempt it by rejecting viable romantic prospects outright. We deliberately avoid reciprocating affection from those who genuinely appreciate us.
We perceive their positive regard for us as a red flag—surely they must be desperate or lacking in discernment if they think we’re special. Their interest suddenly calls our own taste and judgement into question.
In this way, our self-sabotaging beliefs distort reality and cause us to develop intense attraction to precisely the people least likely to meet our needs.
As We can puts it:
“Many people don’t want to belong to a relationship that would have them as a member. They treat it like ‘well if you want me there must be something wrong with you. You don’t want me? Then you must be onto something.’ This of course is predicated on the idea that we ourselves are not worthy.”
How to Develop Self-Love
If this pattern sounds painfully familiar, don’t despair. While our past negative experiences often wire our brains to engage in self-defeating behaviors, we can rewire things for greater self-love.
Repeating constructive messages about our worth and capabilities over time reprograms our self-beliefs for the better. And purposefully directing loving energy inward circumvents the need to seek validation from without.
When you notice yourself falling into attraction based on scarcity, mystery, or mistreatment, pause and get present with yourself. Remind yourself that you deserve respect and care from a partner as a bare minimum. Consider:
– How would I react if my closest friend or family member was being treated this way in a relationship? Would I make excuses or would I tell them they deserve better?
– Knowing what I know about this person’s behavior/availability, what is the mature, self-honoring choice—to continue pursuing them or to direct my energy elsewhere?
Then, make decisions aligned with someone who truly loves them self. Prioritize your well-being over intensity and romantic fantasy. Tend to your self-esteem without coveting outside interest to determine your worth.
Choose people who can return your interest with equal investment and responsibility. Release fears telling you that you are undeserving, or that being happily paired means lowering your standards.
The more you affirm your own value, the more you’ll notice viable opportunities for healthy reciprocated love all around you. And the less energy you’ll waste questioning why you want the unattainable people who hurt or ignore you.
Summary
Attraction is complex, but for lasting fulfillment in dating and relationships, self-work is essential. Doing so builds self-trust and equips us to choose partners capable of treasuring us as we learn to treasure ourselves.
We cannot control others’ availability or willingness to engage meaningfully. We can control where we direct our energy and romantic investment. Prioritize those who demonstrate genuine care, availability and reciprocation—not ambivalence packaged as intrigue.
Set standards aligned with self-honor and healthy relating, then stick to them. Release bogus assumptions assigning inflated value to the detached and disinterested. Conquer insecurity driving you towards rejection in the name of protecting your ego.
You are worthy here and now—not if or when someone out of your league finally notices you. Help defeat limiting narratives about the lovability of others or yourself. Spread more respect through your dating choices.
The more you embody self-love, the faster toxic attractions lose their grip, freeing you up for reciprocity. You don’t need others to validate your worth by wanting you. But you do deserve someone who can appreciate you fully. Prioritize that.
