Dale Carnegie’s beloved self-help book How to Win Friends and Influence People has captivated readers across the world for over 80 years, selling a staggering 30 million copies since its 1936 debut. Even now, in an era of fractured social relations and increased isolation, Carnegie’s insights on forging connections feel remarkably prescient.
In this article, we will provide key lesson from this seminal classic on bettering relationships and effectively leading others.
Principle 1: Criticism is Futile – Compliment Instead
Carnegie launches his human relations manual with a vital truth: criticism seldom yields positive change and often aggravates situations or wounds pride. While occasional constructive criticism serves a purpose in the workplace, it should always be cushioned between authentic praise and encouragement.
Carnegie recounts a formative experience from his early career giving trainings for the YMCA. During a session, he harshly reprimanded a young employee for chronic tardiness. Rather than reforming the employee’s behavior as intended, this public condemnation humiliated him before his peers. He resented Carnegie deeply and his punctuality problems persisted.
Carnegie learned through this episode and subsequent mistakes that frequent criticism makes people defensive, demoralized and closed off to change. They reflexively strive to justify themselves while internally condemning their critic in turn. Gentle guidance, not condemnation or complaints, proves more effective in correcting behavioral issues.
When critique becomes truly necessary, Carnegie suggests surrounding it with compliments to first assure the person of their inherent competence and positive qualities.
This will make them more receptive to potential areas requiring improvement. As an example, a manager may praise an employee’s consistent creativity and work ethic before advising them to improve time management skills to reach fullest potential.
In relationships, frequent criticism can breed resentment or even end bonds. We must recognize that humans rarely self-critique honestly. So resist attacking flaws in friends, family or romantic partners. Instead, make an effort to compliment them on merits often and any critique should remain constructive and infrequent.
Principle 2: Be Genuinely Interested in People
Carnegie argues profoundly that the easiest way to win over others is sincere interest in them as individuals. Yet insecurity drives many to try to impress or gain notice through pretense. False bragging seldom convinces; people see easily through it.
The former president of Harvard Charles W. Eliot encapsulated this ethos in his quote: “Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important.” When conversing, maintain eye contact and focus fully on the speaker without mentally drifting. Eliot rightly deemed this the highest compliment.
Beyond mere attention, demonstrate genuine curiosity by researching conversation partners beforehand when possible. If you learn they visited Paris, inquire earnestly about favorite arrondissements and dishes. Such questions flatter and reveal commonalities.
Even introverts can demonstrate engagement by posturing open body language and asking follow-up questions about subjects the other person shows enthusiasm discussing. Do this without pretense or hidden motives and they will inevitably warm to you.
Principle 3: Listen More Than You Speak
Carnegie certainly valued spoken charm and storytelling panache. But he placed considerably greater emphasis on developing attentive listening abilities.
True listening requires patience, sympathy and letting the other person command the conversation. Avoid dominating exchanges by rambling too extensively about yourself. Such self-absorption breeds narcissism and alienates friends.
Ideally in conversations, aim for a 25% speaking, 75% listening split. Tune inward during dialogues and observe what motivates you to interrupt or redirect focus back to yourself. Do you prattle on nervously trying to fill awkward silences? Or does an compulsion to over-explain make you drone on?
Making someone feel heard fosters the deepest bonds. So encourage friends to open up about their lives and offer empathy. Share spotlight by letting them relay stories without redirecting back to your own exploits. This balance makes people feel valued by you.
Principle 4: Open with Agreement, Not Dissent
During tense conversations or debates, Carnegie cautions not to begin by tackling controversial points. Such direct negation will put the other person on defense emotionally and intellectually, rendering them unable to hear your perspective.
Instead, he suggests first establishing common purpose. Open by stating points of alignment, no matter how small. Once someone affirms shared goals, values or facts with you, their mind opens to your differing take.
You want to get them nodding or explicitly saying “yes” early on to build positive momentum before respectfully providing counter-arguments. This mental traction makes acceptance of your view likelier.
People desire internal consistency of beliefs, so initial assent can pave the way to changed opinions because it gets the other person psychologically invested in your line of reasoning through incremental buy-in.
Principle 5: Suggest, Don’t Command
No one enjoys being ordered around. So rather than barking commands when you want something done, Carnegie suggests framing statements as gentle suggestions or even better – questions. A question stimulates the other person’s own decision-making process rather than imposing external will.
Consider the contrast of a boss bluntly demanding an exhausted employee stay late to finish a report versus inquiring if they might have time or energy to complete more work that evening. One attack threatens autonomy; the other respects it.
At home with a partner, avoid confrontationally saying “Don’t speak that way to me.” Instead try “I know tensions run high when we argue. But could we try speaking more gently to keep lines open?” Framing requests as questions gives power back to the other party.
Principle 6: Respect Each Person’s Dignity
However mistaken someone’s opinion seems to you, resist saying bluntly that they are wrong. Such direct negation hurts pride and provokes defensiveness. You also risk later embarrassment if you prove ill-informed on second look.
Carnegie even suggests that if you must correct someone, phrase it tentatively by first admitting, “I could very well be wrong myself, but perhaps we should double check…” This humility earns you respect and accounts for potential gaps in your own knowledge. It also calms the other person’s ego by showing you don’t claim intellectual superiority even when fairly sure of something.
By admitting self-doubt, you relieve tension fueling disagreement. With tensions lowered on both sides, parties see truths more aligned than discordant because the spirit of friendly camaraderie overrides bruised egos.
Principle 7: Confess Your Own Errors Readily
Carnegie writes wisely that anytime you realize you’re verifiably wrong in an argument, admit it promptly and emphatically before anyone else must point it out for you. This short circuits potential gloating or shaming by eliminating the “gotcha” satisfaction others could derive from highlighting your mistake.
Moreover, refusing to get defensive about errors earns admiration. It displays security in your abilities such that you don’t perceive occasional mistakes as threatening indictment of competence. Accountability also builds trust and dispels suspicion of motives.
So next time you misspeak, respond promptly, “You have a fair point – upon reflection I conveyed that poorly…” Don’t let small slips harden into obstinacy. Adjust your take graciously.
Principle 8: Praise Sincerely and Frequently
Carnegie frequently emphasizes praise and encouragement as the most powerful interpersonal motivators. Never deride someone as stupid, untalented or incapable. Such harsh condemnations become self-fulfilling prophecies by sapping any spark of potential.
Instead, even if you harbor private doubts, display outward faith in a person’s abilities. Carnegie rightly notes humans work tirelessly chasing validation of positive assumptions. If you call someone talented, they feel subconscious obligation to work harder so you don’t later question judgment in over-praising them.
So offer sincere compliments about strengths often. And when critiquing performance, frame it through the lens of high standards you know they can reach with application and guidance. This empowers maximum effort.
Principle 9: Show People the Benefits of Actions for Them
When asking someone a business favor, requesting a donation or desiring any form of participation, Carnegie advises speaking in terms aligned to their self-interest. Explain politely how they stand to benefit alongside you. This could mean increased revenue, publicity, networking opportunities or goodwill.
Carnegie illustrates with a common mistake: a business cold-calls a prospect saying “We’re the best landscaping service and can offer you a 10% first-time customer discount.” They focus selfishly on their own quality and desired profit.
An superior approach would convey: “As a busy hotel manager, overgrown walkways I’m sure you lack landscaping budgets for. But may I explain a low-cost service package that can increase guest satisfaction scores and repeat visits?” This expresses understanding of their headaches and offers customized solutions.
In relationships also, avoid demanding loved ones accommodate you without explaining mutual payoffs. Don’t just lobby for a big move because of your great new job offer; note how shorter commute saves you more time with family. Frame appeals around the other person’s interests.
Final Thoughts
While certain 1930s anecdotes and turns-of-phrase show signs of dating over eight decades, Carnegie’s underlying principles endure eternally. Much current sociopolitical acrimony and loneliness might relax if more practiced his wisdom on seeing shared humanity before differences.
Carnegie sought to ease universal insecurities and provide a moral philosophy encouraging all to uplift each other. By taking his lessons on self-development to heart, reading this book may incrementally increase happiness in every interaction you hold.
That incredible legacy explains its astronomical multi-generational popularity. I hope you’ll read How To Win Friends in full – and if you have, feel wonderfully free to rave about it in comments!
